During my pregnancy with Manning, I felt that God was really working on me and telling me to share my story. So, I decided that sharing my testimony and pregnancy journey through my blog would be a great way to start. I don't want any glory or pity for that matter from my sharing this with all of you. I want God to get all of the glory for what he has done in my life. After reading this, I'm sure you'll see how much God truly intervened in so many instances. As George Strait's song says, "His fingerprints are everywhere...I saw God today." I truly feel that I see Him every time I look at my precious son.
This has been a difficult subject for me to open up about for such a long time, but now, all of a sudden, I'm somewhat comfortable sharing. It's amazing what God will do, if we just allow Him to. It all began in April of 2008. Cody and I starting "trying" to get pregnant, and to our surprise, we were pregnant by July. Completely ecstatic, we told both of our families and close friends immediately. That day is crystal clear in my mind. I woke up around 4 a.m., took the preg. test, and rushed to wake Cody up with the good news. It was a Sunday, so after celebrating, we got ready for church. I can still vividly remember the excitement I was feeling that day, as well as the exact outfit I had on. The sermon that day was written for me... I just didn't know it at the time. Brother Todd preached on God showing us His love by teaching us to be patient. That day, the preacher talked about how he had been waiting to have a child for 25 years, and how he and his wife had just recently adopted their little girl. I can remember sitting there, thanking God for that baby and thanking Him for not making us wait. Now, I know that God was preparing me, telling me to trust Him, and to be patient. It gives me chills thinking about it now.
That pregnancy ended at 6 weeks in a miscarriage (chemical pregnancy), only a couple days after hearing that sermon. I knew then that God was speaking to me through Brother Todd, but I tried to push that feeling aside and deny that's what was happening. I can't explain the pain and hurt that I felt when this happened. When I was lying on that ultrasound table and the tech told me that there was nothing there, my heart shattered into a million pieces. I've never had to face anything so terrible before. I felt like my dreams had been stolen from me. I immediately turned to God and prayed daily that he would make me fruitful and bless Cody and myself with many children to love and raise in His will. The doctors assured me that I was fine and that once you have one miscarriage, it rarely ever happens again, so I tried to stay positive and kept on living (as much I could, anyway). Every second of every day I thought about babies. Every time I did, I would pray for strength and some sort of sign that God would bless us with a child in His time.
The next month (September), Cody and I were shocked to learn that we were already pregnant again! Again, we rejoiced and thanked God for this little miracle. I was much more cautious this time. I worried and prayed constantly that my baby would be ok. I went to the 6 week checkup and all was well, praise the Lord! The doctors called me "fertile Myrtle" and told me "So far, so good!" I was scheduled to return at 8 weeks, and I got terrible, heartbreaking news once again. There was a baby this time, but there was no heartbeat. As I lay there, I felt like my arms and legs stopped working, and my heart sank, literally, to my toes. This time, the feeling was even worse than before. I had miscarried, not once, but twice. And to top it all off, I would immediatley be scheduled for a D&C two days later to clean things out. For the next couple of days, I was like a zombie. I cried constantly...I kept praying, but I felt like all hope had been lost. I felt that I'd never become a mother, and that thought seriously depressed me. The only thing going for us this time is that we never told anyone outside of the family that we were pregnant again, so I didn't have to tell our friends the bad news. I was too nervous to share. I learned my lesson the first time around. I'm sure y'all can imagine the questions going through my mind. I did the unthinkable and questioned God. I didn't understand why He would put me through all of this torture and misery. I knew that I was a very imperfect person, but why couldn't I have a baby? Was He trying to tell me something? Was I inadequate? Was I being punished? Praise the Lord for my family and Cody because I seriously couldn't have made it without them. They encouraged me and helped keep me going. Praise the Lord for my community and church as well. Throughout these experiences, people came from everywhere offering support. They, too, had been through the same kind of experiences. We, as women, don't talk about things like this, because society makes it seem all "hush hush" and unthinkable, but hearing that I wasn't alone helped more than anything. This is another reason that I think God is leading me to share.
After the D&C, which was probably the worst day of my life, I went home to recover, and my doctor, Dr. Chauhan, scheduled an appointment for me to see a fertility specialist, Dr. Kutteh. I had to wait for his appointment, though. He is one busy man! I had the D&C in October, and my appt with Dr. Kutteh wasn't until December 2 (my dad's birthday). Those two months drug by so slowly as I waited for our consultation. I was a a nervous wreck, and I googled every kind of fertility problem known to man trying to diagnose myself.
December 2 finally arrived. Cody and I were nervous but excited at the same time to meet our new doctor and finally get some answers. We had several blood tests, etc., run on us while we were there. Dr. Kutteh was and still is a Godsend. He is the nicest and smartest doctor I have EVER met. He made me feel completely comfortable, and he let me know that he'd do everything in his power to help us have a child. After the tests were run, all we could do was wait for his call to let us know what he found, if anything. He let us know that there could possibly be nothing wrong at all.
Well, a couple of weeks later, I received a phone call from Dr. Kutteh's nurse, Erica. She informed me that I had an antibody disorder. I was diagnosed with borderline positive APA. APA stands for Anti-phospholipid antibody count. Basically, that means that my blood is too thick while pregnant and it had been clotting with my previous pregnancies. The obvious question was, can you fix it? She assured me that it was very treatable and that 70 percent of couples went on to have children. The words 70% petrified me. That meant that there was another 30% that couldn't. What if I couldn't? Panic set in once again. Then, she informed me that I would have to take proper treatment in order to carry a baby full term. I would have to take 2 shots of blood thinner daily and a baby aspirin during pregnancy. She also let me know that I could never take any kind of birth control pill ever again b/c of my condition. It would increase my risk of heart attack/stroke. That phone call should have thrilled me, but it didn't. I immediately began to feel sorry for myself and cry. I just didn't see how I could give myself a shot... needles terrified me. They were the main reason I hated the doctor. I can still remember screaming as a child when the nurse would bring the shot needle in, and that's all that I could picture. Once again, I could feel that God was trying to make me stronger by facing one of my biggest fears. Once my shock & fear diminished, my mother told me how grateful she was that they found out the problem b/c it was dangerous to have this condition and not know about it. She really put things in perspective for me. I could have had a blood clot or heart attack and died because of my birth control pills, or I could've had a stroke... the possibilities are endless. I started to kinda change my tune a bit and not feel so sorry for myself when I realized that God was possibly preventing a more serious problem in the future, so I decided to relax and trust in Him. The idea of shots was even starting to seem ok. I was feeling stronger by the day.
One day, I was sitting in my fifth grade classroom, and I received a text message. It was one of my favorite cousins, Tammy. She had had a dream about me the night before. She is a very sweet person, and I feel that she has a very close relationship with God. She's always helped me spiritually, and she was about to do it once again. She told me about her dream. She said that in it, Cody and I had given birth to a beautiful, big, healthy boy. She even described his physical features and characteristics. She said she truly thought it was a vision from God. When, I got this message, I burst into tears, and I knew that God was finally answering my prayer. He sent me a message that could help me relax. I knew I was going to give birth to a son, sometime in my future.
After the dream, my strength and attitude grew. Cody and I went back to see Dr. Kutteh. At this visit, he basically explained my medical condition and had me practice giving myself a shot. I stuck myself like a professional without even flinching. God is definitely responsible for that because I was a nervous wreck on the way to the office that day. I was nervous and was so scared that I would panic, but when it came time, I was completely calm and had no trouble whatsoever. I felt so happy and anxious about our future. Now, we just needed to get pregnant so that I could start those shots. Dr. Kutteh continued that he wanted to do one last procedure to remove some scar tissue from my uterus, but it was not a necessary surgery. He told me that he advised it, but he left the choice up to me. I was scared not to have the procedure, but at the same time, I knew that this would put our pregnancy plans on hold even longer. Once again, I got sad because it felt like we were being faced with one obstacle after the next.
Well, February rolled around, and it was surgery day. Dr. Kutteh removed the scar tissue, and all was well in the reproductive department, but during the surgery, he found a dark spot on the back of my thigh. He told Cody that I really needed to have it checked out as soon as possible because it didn't look good to him. They had this conversation while I was out from anesthesia, or I'm sure I would've been panicking once again. When I awoke, Cody told me the news, and of course, that scared me to death. I immediately began praying that the spot was not cancerous and scheduled an appointment with my dermatologist. On the positive side, Dr. Kutteh gave us the go ahead to start trying to get pregnant once again, so I had a renewed spirit and was ready for the third round. Once again, God had to give me this strength and energy.
The next month, in March, I went to the dermatologist. As I waited in the waiting room, I looked at pregnancy magazines and dreamed about the day that I would have a successful pregnancy. The doctor called me back and removed the spot and told me he would let me know the pathology report in a couple of days. A few days passed, and our school secretary called me to the office. I had a phone call from the dermatologist. He informed me that my spot contained suspicious cells and needed to be looked at farther. He advised that I come back in to have more skin removed. Once again, yep you guessed it...here's where I panicked. The scary thought of cancer entered my mind. Then, I really fell apart. Later that night, as I thought more about it, I felt that God was telling me that I was going to be fine. To make a long story short, I went back to the doctor and the cells ended up being non-cancerous, praise the Lord. He told me that Dr. Kutteh had probably saved my life by finding that mole. Chills ran down my spine. If I had never been sent to Dr. Kutteh, and if he hadn't convinced me to have that "unnecessary" procedure, that spot could have become cancerous.
After thinking about how things were turning out, I realized that God was truly looking out for me. He made every single event happen in a particular order so that other things could come to be. As it turns out, I was actually pregnant when I visited the dermatologist and didn't know it. On March 23, 2009, Cody and I were blessed to find out that we were expecting a child, who would turn out to be our sweet and perfect little boy, Manning. I did have to give myself 2 shots a day and take my aspirin as directed, but everything went perfectly throughout my entire pregnancy, and I became a pro at giving shots! Now, I don't even flinch when I go to the doctor or receive any kind of vaccination.
As you can see, God truly blessed me in more than one way throughout my struggles and experiences. At the time, I truly felt that there was no hope for me, but He proved that if I trusted in Him and had patience, the desires of my heart would come to be. I would be nowhere without my Savior, and I definitely wouldn't have a beautiful baby boy. When Manning came into this world, I knew that he was the gift that God prepared for me. When my cousin, Tammy, met him she teared up and let me know that he was the baby she saw in her dream. God is amazing, and He will take care of us if we just trust in Him fully. No matter what your circumstances, there are NO coincidences with God. Every SINGLE hardship I faced had to happen in order for my life to work out as God planned. Thank you, Jesus, for saving me and for giving me the precious gift of my son!
The reason for this extra long post is to share this experience with you and to show you how God has touched my life in such an amazing way. If you know me very well, you know how private I am about things like this, so I've really stepped out of my comfort zone to share. Some of my closest friends don't even know this. However, I do hope you gained something from it. I don't know if you are going through a difficult or similar situation, but I do know that there is hope in Jesus. I am so very thankful, and my life has turned out better than I could have ever imagined thanks to Him. Every time I look at Manning, I thank God for such a perfect blessing. He is my world, and I'm so very thankful for him. God bless you all!
Waiting to see Dr. Mathis
After the Easter bunny photos, shopping, and heading to Molli's shop to get our hair done (by the way, my hair is now pitch black, for those of you who haven't noticed, and I love it), we finally got home around 11 p.m. Manning was so tired, and I swore to never go shopping with my mom again without my own form of transportation. She's like the energizer bunny. She never knows when it's time to quit, and with a 19 week old, that's never fun. Lesson learned...
